The day the earth caught fire.

Well today has been interestingly unexpected.
Had a dentist's appointment today, thought it was just a check-up to the extraction appointment I had set up for Monday the 23rd... Instead, after some very unprofessional hygienists and doctors (they were gossiping while performing oral surgery on me, as if I wasn't there..) decided that today I could just get the one wisdom tooth that's been hurting me extracted. So now I have a chipmunk jaw that is on fire.

Also today a VERY LARGE wildfire sprang up on a hill just north of town.  So huge. Jared's probably on it, and he'll probably work the next few days without coming home.. Good money, but it kind of sucks being alone. Especially alone, pregnant and in pain. Crap.

First postings can be hard to initiate..

..So allow me to break some ice. 

I began this blog for the exact same reasons most people do: to vent. However, I am not looking for a dramatic savior to answer all my life's questions.. Or to tell me how to change my ways, the right way, the way someone 'should'. I'm just here to keep tabs on myself, so I don't end up losing myself in my thoughts. 

It was a pretty uneventful day, although mildly productive, but i just couldn't shake this sad feeling that was lurking behind every thought or action. Needless to say, I've been depressed lately and I'm not exactly entirely sure why. I'm nervous I'll end up with post-partum depression if I don't handle it somehow. 

So, I'm pregnant. 21 weeks to be exact. Very happy and excited, so is my boyfriend; we cannot wait to meet and love our new little girl. Even have the name. Chlöe Luna-Vera. She's kicking the hell out of my laptop as I write this. Her room is all set up with the major things accounted for in our affordable two-bedroom apartment in rural Fox, Alaska. I help out a couple people each week cleaning their homes for a decent wage, and Jared just switched over to his summer employment of wildland firefighting. We have two cats, Jack Rabbit Slim and Phoenix, who are outdoorsy and annoying, yet we love them to bits. Our bills consist of the typical things: rent, electric, food, cell phones, car payment, insurance... We stress occasionally but know it'll be taken care of each month. And yet............

Something just doesn't feel right. And i have no idea what that could be. I don't even know if he feels that way too, or if it's really all just in my own damn mind... Everything seems to be going well in our relationship.. We laugh and play together, learn about the particular subjects we're interested in together, relax together.. We're very open and honest in our relationship, more-so than most I've noticed.. We both share very important values and morals, and I couldn't be more in love with the guy. Our intimacy is lacking, which is probably the only solid concern I have when it comes to us; but that could be attributed to the fact that I'm pregnant... it just seems like I throw myself at him hoping he'll meet me halfway.. Maybe he feels like he's doing all the work. I just don't seem to have the same sexual energy like i used to... and by used to I mean three years ago used to. So there's a problem notched off on my side of the stick. Unsure if that needs to be further investigated or not.

Wow. What a relationship! To start off my first blog posting with my sexual inadequacies... Very bold. I guess that's just the way I do things.

I'm hoping his new position with Forestry doesn't dampen our love-life even further, if that's even possible. I'm afraid that him riding in helicopters every other day, dropping on fires and doing exciting things most of the time will make it impossible to spruce up our home life even the tiniest. He'll just be drained of the excitement he usually shows toward the smallest things... Another thing about this position, even though the money will be totally worth it (especially once Chlöe arrives), is that I'm alone what seems like constantly. I don't do well alone. Especially not three-quarters of the week. I talk to myself pretty regularly to make sure I'm still functioning, and I talk to the goddamn cats. I had a good friend and her 9 month old daughter come out and visit today, and that was nice, but I feel it was mainly out of pity for my situation. Maybe I'm looking too deep into that. Idk. All i know is I've been sad off and on for a while and I'm not sure why. I need to take up a free or inexpensive hobby, pronto. I've been thinking maybe a creative writing course, or like my friend suggested, a ceramics class. Or maybe even some sort of pregnancy yoga class.. Something where I can form friendships outside my little comfort bubble of friends. And believe you me, my little comfort bubble of friends consists of a handful of people, nothing like my four-hundred or so facebook friends. Like all facebook users, the 'friends' are comprised of mostly acquaintances from past and present... Not many are true friends. So i think that should be on my agenda, make new friends. Friends that are worthwhile, not these disposable ones I've been around and dealing with for so long. Easy to say, not so easy to commit to and achieve. What can I say, most people think I'm an oddball. I suppose I have earned that in a way... A lot of it has to do with not being able to cope with quickly-changing social situations.... but hey I can't win every time. 

New goals:

Improve intimacy w/J

Make new friends